each low is starting from a lower low


i hate my life


i'm a bad person


i prob shouldn't continue to live anymore

it's always a contradiction
be someone vs. be no one
be known vs. be anonymous
do something big vs. do w/e my life becomes

there are times i can see myself being happy with nothing
moving to the middle of nowhere
[preferably with someone]
having a normal job
living a normal life
getting joy out of being the best aunt ever
being no one special
and living a quiet life


[though some may say that that's not a life a nothing
and i guess it could bring a happiness of its own kind
but i can't fully see that happiness at this point
bc i can't see happiness in a normal life
bc people, well me and people tend to have a complicated relationship
so i don't remember happiness with people right now
(though i do remember that i've told myself before that it exists
bc i've felt it before- i know i wouldn't lie to myself about that
so it must have been)]

then there are times when i want the flashy life
cameras in my face
being known
being seen as someone
living the glamorous life
and people caring about me

but then, that's where i get tripped up

do i want the glamorous life bc that's what i want?
i won't lie the job sounds amazing
seems like fun
the least monotonous job i can think of
getting to meet cool and beautiful people
having fans who care about what i say
and wanting to meet me


though i do know that job does take a lot of effort

or do i just want people to care about me?
and listen to me

maybe that's all i really want
and maybe I can get that in an ordinary life

maybe i'd be happier with an ordinary life

maybe the ordinary life would prove to be more of what i wanted than the glamorous one

but if i'm left alone
left to nothing
then i think i'd need the glamorous life for myself
to at least say look i must at least have something
look at everything around me
look at how people see me

then again i do at times like the emotions of the glamorous life
there are times when i want to be able to help people, like people on tv and movies have helped me
to be that inspiration or guiding light
if only for 30-90 min
to take people away from their stresses for a while and tell them a story
let them into my pretend life for a while
and also for me to be able to be someone else
play someone
and get away from being me for a while
(it sounds beneficial from time to time
but would it really be as much of as an escape as i picture it
am i fantasizing it too much)

the things i want change with my every changing head
back and forth
and back again

everything contradicts
so there is seemingly no happy middle

so i wonder what would be more beneficial
and more practical for me
what would bring me more happiness

forever i will wonder

curious of where things will lead me

i've been doing nothing lately
i don't feel real
i keep myself locked up in my house- in front of the tv

sometimes i just need to be human

i've watched a lot a things within the past couple hours
i have a lot of things to think about

not sure how to digest them just yet

but i feel like i need to live a better life
a healthier- (ish) life
a good life
i need to do better things in my life
be a better person

-though i'm not really sure how

i need some kind of change

i want to feel like i'm doing something with my life
-instead of just wasting away

i want to do something
i want to be someone

i'm not sure if those will be on the same path or not

but i need to try
so that in the end i can at least say that i was a better person

so i'm not sure for how long
but apparently i put my body in starvation mode

and after reading a study about how starvation mode works
it seems that even healthy individuals didn't fully get over the effects of starvation

luckily however, i am not a healthy individual
and i think i can use that to my advantage

i need to fill my food preoccupation
with another preoccupation

i need to stop caring about food all together
whether i eat too much or too many bad things
bc once i stop caring my mind will get past it
and then i won't be preoccupied on food all the time

so the trick is to stop caring

i've done it many times before
though i'm not really sure how

*fingers crossed* i can do it again

my plan is out in the open
so hopefully subconsciously my brain will work its magic
and i'll get over this by obsessing about something else

it's not the healthiest thing
but hey who ever said i'm healthy

it's about getting from moment to moment
working with whichever problem is more manageable at that time

the new year is upon us
and it makes me wonder many things
but it mainly makes me sad
for all the things that didn't happen
and didn't get gone
for time continuing to pass
even though i don't really want it to

though i am sick of being here
so i don't really know what i want

hopefully 2012 will bring me something better
hopefully there are new adventures to be had
and new things to discover

i don't think my life will ever feel great
but maybe this year i will feel something

maybe this year i will get on my self control
and forget the trivial

get back to the problems
be aware of things

and get something done

i did accomplish a few things this year
however i still don't feel great

i want things to be more next year
i want to get something big done

i used to be in love the the idea of friendship
i loved my friends
i felt like i had people- a family

now i'm in love with...
well nothing

i can't stand half the people i'm around anymore
the immaturity
the close-mindedness
the stupid insignificant drama
and the lack of substance

i guess that's why i keep disappearing into my own- sad, pointless, isolated- life

i'm so stuck

i wish i felt an interest for anything
but everything feels the same
boring and lifeless

i hope this is just the depression and not the way life is anymore
because i don't think i could handle a life like this
if this is how life just was

our economy is crashing
the society and country will soon face a great downfall

we'll all be stuck
no one will have money
or anything really

we'll all be struggling together

will there be any ups?
any possibility of hope?

its going to be a long dark haul
dark times are ahead of us

how is anyone supposed to make it thru

i like this country
so i don't want to leave it in its time of need
but i think living in another country might be the best way out

i wish i could feel something
i wish i could be something

i once had a great mind
now it's only full of cobwebs

Albert Einstein did great things when he had no great title
i wish i could do something similar

i wish i felt like i had some kind of drive

i have no inner turmoil anymore
in fact, i have nothing

is this the depression side
and maybe the past year i've been living in a manic episode

makes sense w weight gain and lose
but let's not even get into that

i think last night i realized what i've been hiding from myself
loneliness
i'm so alone
all the time
i have no one here really
and quite honestly lately it feels like i don't have anyone anywhere

i feel so disconnected to my long distance friends

i wish i could feel something over this nothingness
the numbness is causing me more issues than the turmoil
or maybe i just like the action

i'm going to try to constantly remind myself of how alone i am
to try and wave off this numbness and bring some feeling back into my life

i wish i felt like i was alive
but i'm just here

and it made me wonder the other day
if suicide is really as bad as people make it out to be

i know it's like a sad thing and all
but really all it is is a choice
someone choosing how their life is going to know

it's just not an accepted choice of society
so everybody gets all weird about it

but like any choice that isn't the social norm
it really is just a choice

and i guess being that i can't feel anything
maybe it would be an ok alternative
maybe it really wouldn't be that bad

if only i had something
if only i was going somewhere

but still even if i had what i wanted
i still think i wouldn't actually be happy
i just wouldn't be as unhappy

Ugh.
I'm completely devoid of emotions

I'm living in a coma

i feel so lost right now

except i'm not lost

i'm right here
numb
watching everything
and caring about nothing

i don't get this
don't understand how it's supposed to work
or what all it means

are things changing?
did things already change?
is this the new me?

i don't understand
so i'm going to continue to push it out of my mind i suppose
and sit back and watch how things unfold


someone please help me figure this out or find my way
(...though i realize that's an unheard plea, that will be unanswered)

i feel, nothing

i am nothing?
or did i rip that off of a website earlier?
did i place that in my brain
in such a way to think i had that idea first?

i have no idea

i'm wasting away
wasting my time
hiding it under an eating issue
but that's only a cover- for myself
so that i could have a break from everything else

i'm sick of it

take it away

this is a compulsion that i want to be done with

give me back the truth

i woke up in rage

i have many times before
and much more intense

so what does that mean?

episodic rage?
i'm pretty sure i'm just bipolar of a sort

i wish my brain would focus on more relative issues
food is so... shallow
for lack of a better word

let's go back to pain
and questions
and feelings
and intense emotions

i want to feel like i'm real again

not just a mindless zombie
who can think of nothing but food

there is more to the world then that
and i am a better person when i am consumed by the other things

i need a purpose

i need something

maybe just a fluke
maybe just a preview

i hope something is happening
something is coming
a change of what has been

i can't stand to sit idle
and empty
waiting for something
anything

i don't know how long i can last like this

but sadly i usually can't feel things anyway

for better or for worse

will time continue to pass?