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09 May 2015 @ 11:09 pm
what do you do
when you don't know what to do

who do you turn to
what is right and what is wrong

i'm starting to get hints of the feels again and it worries me

where is this indecision coming from

who do i turn to
who do i get help from

why is there is unknowingness
it only happens when things aren't going

where is the next step

i have to find it

i don't know what to do
06 July 2014 @ 08:58 pm
I'm sick of feeling like i've done something wrong
like i'm bad

i stopped doing things that would make me feel that way
specifically for that reason

so why now

how come when i watch a tv show or movie i become a character to the point that i feel like it is I who has done something wrong
it is I who am the bad one

why can't I separate myself anymore

i'm not sure if that is a good thing or not
i'd like to think it's good and that i'm just getting more into character and learning as an actor
but i fear it's just me starting to get bad again

i can see it
getting so bored i can't stand it
wanting to drive into trees
or paint the night red

am i getting worse?
what is happening to me

though i knew once i started this journey of getting better
that it was just me pretending for myself
so maybe the facade finally wore off
maybe i got too tired to keep it up for myself

it's a hard job
never letting yourself feel anything but positive

never letting yourself feel what you actually feel so you don't get sucked back into the darkness

this is a bit unknown to me
and there is no one to whom i could confess

things were going right
so where did this go wrong

why can't i have a real conversation with a friend anymore?
bc i owe them too much from before?
bc i'm afraid of how it will make things?

where is anyone?
and why am i looking for people again
can't i just make this right with me?

do i always have to be a false sense of myself?

isn't there anyone who actually gets it

so, here i am again on my own

trying to make my own way
16 February 2014 @ 08:59 pm

I can never seem to find a happy medium


Too much or not enough


how much do you eat?
What is too much? How little is too unhealthy?
Isn't a little bit of unhealthy healthy/normal?


Excessively sedentary vs obsessed with working out


How do you spend your time?


Always so much boredom and monotony


People do projects to fill their time
But is any of it meaningful
Do things always need to be meaningful and working towards something?


There are so many daily decisions
I never know what to do


I am sick of all the choices


I know what the good choice is
I know what i "should" do
But why should i?
Do i really want to portray myself as that person?
Who am i (actually)?
And who should i be?


I haven't cut my hair in nearly a year
Because i don't know what to do with it

05 November 2013 @ 08:54 pm
there is chatter in my head

calm down.
you'll be ok (whether things are ok or not)

i need to refocus myself so i'm more healthy
i am and can be my own worst enemy
#selfdestruction #selfdestructive

stay on track

i can't believe that after all this time
all we've been thru
you're suddenly 'dumping me' as a friend bc i told you i wasn't interested like that anymore

like for real?
are you serious?

i wish i could be mad.
but i feel nothing

idk if it's bc everyone seems to be leaving right now
or bc we left on a peaceful note
(not that you have said anything)
(now that really is the problem isn't it)

are there no decent people left in this world?
where have all the good people gone?

the loyal ones
the nice ones

the ones like me who are terribly lonely and just want friends
friends for life
or at least more than the normal 5 yr run

what the fuck is wrong with our society?

it makes me want to be fake.
fake as hell to everyone.
to be pretty and shiny.
someone you want to talk to but are intimidated to.
i wish i could be that fake 'bad girl'
play the part

but there are 2 things stopping me
1 i have a heart and am not wired like that (most of the time)
sure i could get away with it for a bit but after a while i'd feel so cheap and empty and bad
i'd hate myself
2 i have no back up, life long friend that will always be in my corner

i swear i hear about these people and their lifelong friends
idk how they do it
maybe ignorance is bliss

it makes me feel like something is wrong with me

but the issue
this issue at hand does not lie within me
this is society
this is people being scared of something different
this is people's pure laziness coming out to play

lately i've had to learn how to say #goodriddance and not let it effect me
surprisingly i've been doing quite well

but that makes me worry for the future
about the walls i'll put (back) up
if i'll ever let anyone close again, for real
if i'll be able to trust anyone

that could cause on hell of a problem

but for now i guess i'll cross that bridge when i get to it
bc it doesn't seem to be posing an issue (at the moment)

and we know worrying and dwelling will do no good
except to make a toxic environment for myself

so for now pish posh
i'll live with my #goodriddance

i swear i'm one of the only sane ones here
there are times i know i could disappear and no one would notice
at least not for a few days
for a while
i could be gone
without a care given
from anyone

its a sad truth
sometimes calming

but truth none-the-less

 this getting healthy thing
its going
still going
fairly well

i'm way better than i was

but yet i still have these thoughts
just not as intensified

thoughts or maybe truths rather

i feel like this seems ass backwards

i'm getting better
i know i am
i can feel it

yet i feel more vulnerable

less stable

i worry that if the right series of events unfolds
it will lead to my demise
bc i'm less sure that i want to live

the destruction- it kept me alive
i knew i was fighting to live

but the lack of it is uncertain

what if i snap one day and go a little too far

i don't deal with the intense emotions as much anymore
so when they come, i'd say i'm more dramatic
but not histornic
its just that i'm not as used to controlling myself under the intensity

i'm out of practice

i'm getting better
but i'm still bored
or more bored if possible

what am i living this life for

i'm trying to enjoy things more
or maybe just not dislike them as much

be more at peace

and i am in those moments
but when i see the world online
it only makes me feel sad

like i'm wasting my time

i don't know what life i want to lead
or which is the better more sensible option at this point

i'm still in a contradiction with life
always a contradiction

i really don't know what i'm living for
or if i even should

but here i am
muddling along

a new stage
still as unsure as the rest
29 July 2013 @ 11:28 pm

I want to cut
I want to scratch


I want to anything
Because i want to feel again


Not that i don't feel
But not like i used to


I want to show the world my I'm sorry
Show them my sadness and disappointment


Show them to leave me alone


And show them how badly i want it


But how am i supposed to show these things
When "I'm not allowed to"
When that isn't on the road to getting healthy
When it'd be counter productive


Living well is the best revenge after all
And that really is what i want


Being happy or revenge
Its really a toss up between the two


I want them both


Really i think the people who just don't care and give a fuck are the best off
Because they'll never know this hurt and disappointment


But idt that will ever be me
It'd be nice to be healthy enough that it didn't matter to me anymore
But then what would that say of me


I'm sick of being patient
I want results or some kind of encouragement now
I need it


So i can make it through


[i miss you


And I hope you care
Or at least cared at some point


I just... I hate the way things are now between us]

03 July 2013 @ 05:58 pm

So i realized the other day
Like an epiphany
One of those ah-ha moments


That it doesn't really matter that he never tagged me in anything on Facebook
And didn't have raving statuses with me in it


I don't really care if the world didn't or doesn't know


All that truly mattered is what happened between us


And the only people that really need to know
Is us (the 2 people in the relationship)


We both know what did and didn't happen
We both cared- at one point at least


And i've learned, the hard way
To not let other people and their ideas interfere with that


the 2 times i did
It produced a less than positive outcome


So so what if the whole Facebook world didn't know


I didn't want everyone in my personal business anyway


It only matters to me that he knew


It only matters that we know

29 June 2013 @ 09:29 am

You are a worthless piece of shit


That is the message my loved ones have taught me over the years


The worst things i've been called/told:
"fucking little cunt" (a handful of times)
"you have so much talent but don't deserve half of it"


So I've learned its ok to let people tear you down
As long as they "love you"


As if that makes a difference
Like it would hurt less
Or wouldn't be taken seriously


Its clear to me now
At how i got this way


I've been bullied and picked on my whole life by family and friends


"sometimes the person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger"

17 June 2013 @ 10:41 pm
i'm so sick of lying to myself

i'm not happy

that's all it comes down to

idk if i actually enjoy the moments or i just make myself think i do

i'm trying to convince myself that i'm fine
to undo my original brainwashing
so i'm brainwashing myself with positive thoughts
at least trying to
but will that even work?
will it even help?

all i want is to have someone here physically
to be my support

that's all i've wanted for years
i don't think that's too much to ask for

yet here i sit

god damn you life
why won't you give me a break

if i have to learn through struggle and pain
then why won't you let me advance when i cause myself my own pain

if i'm willing to do it why can't i just skip ahead

that's how much i want it

so why isn't that good enough?
16 June 2013 @ 10:14 pm
well here i am once again
welcome back

the things that have happened
the things that haven't

time has passed
but we will pick up from here

i'm trying to get healthy
for me, i think

to be the best version of me
but that's mostly because living well is the best revenge

i need me to get better because i'm sick of always torturing myself

always causing myself so much emotional pain

the physical pain i can take
but apparently that effects me mentally more than i realize

sometimes it just doesn't seem fair though
why am i the one who has to change?
why do i always have to compromise myself?

maybe that's just the fear or depression talking
i've brainwashed myself so well
-how can i not be proud of my own work-

some days i really do fear it though
but not only change- a happier version of me as well

i don't know her
i don't know who she'll be

i don't want to become happy and oblivious
i've gone thru too much to just forget about the details and the past and the pain

there was a reason for that dark journey

if for nothing else then just pure insight and knowledge

i can't let those experiences be in vain

but this girl here
she's been through a lot
and she tired- physically tired- of being like this

i want to enjoy my life
stop regretting things not done
and time passed
with nothing more than regret

i feel like everyone will like me better as a happier, healthier version of me
but then am i doing this for the wrong reasons?

in this case does it really even matter as long as the outcome is the same?

who am i
and what do i really want

questions i wish i could answer

if nothing more i grew from my recent relationship that has ended
and surprising i think in a good way
relief- which seems quite strange- is really helping me see things a little clearer

i hate the not knowing
the being left out
and feeling kicked out of his life part

but to be honest
at this very moment, i'm relieved
that i can't see
or know
or give myself the opportunity to punish myself [with his life details without me]

because when it comes down to it, we know i would
i'm a curious person by nature
and yes i like to know things more than most people so i can analyze and over analyze
but only to learn and teach myself
in a bit of a cruel way
because i always say i can take it
and i need to get over things
but sometimes i really do need a bit of a break
and for someone else to take the action for me

there is so much going on
(while absolutely nothing is happening here)
and still so much i need to figure out

i think i'm slowly starting to get better

hopefully karma will step in once again and lend it's hand

i really need to know that i am heading in the right direction