i don't even know
i have so much i could say
but i just don't feel like it anymore
i don't feel like putting forth the effort

as of late
it's been getting increasingly harder to be here
there is too much monotony
too much nothingness
too lonely

i don't want to get out of bed
i don't want to talk to people
-because they aren't here & texting or IMing is just so much more work-

i want a new Thursday so that i know i could at least have one person to talk to
talk about real things

lately i've been obsessing with strange things
it started out with the 15 yr old girl who killed the 9 yr old

i don't condone what the 15 yr old girl did at all
but i do understand where she is coming from and i do feel bad for her
who hasn't wanted to know what it would feel like to kill someone?
i've been trying to google stalk as much as i could
i want to know as much info as possible
but profiles were erased
i wish i could just talk to the girl
-whose name has been constantly in my head for the past few days-

from there i started to youtube obsess over the Columbine shooting
again i just have this fascinating
of wanting to know more
wanting to have known the people
been there
and experienced it know what the people were thinking

and of course my obsession of suicide over the summer
that started from the "Boy Intrupted" documentary
-add in the girl who killed herself at my school and some random girl on facebook whose group i got invited to-

as bad as it sounds
in all of these cases
instances
circumstances
i want to know more

i want to know the people
i wish i knew what was going thru their minds
i wish i could experience what they were experiencing (to push them over the edge)
i wish i could have been there
seen it
or discovered it

i've got this morbid fascination

i don't know if i want to know more about the psyche
or what happens during and after death
but this fascination grows inside of me

and with all of these thoughts in my head
and no one to talk to
i feel more alone and isolated

i feel like people wouldn't take the time to understand (my fascination)
they would just judge me on it
and look down on me for even saying it

i'm tired of being written off
and told how i'm going to mess up people's lives
because they are going to be homeless because of my student loans

i've gotten most of them deferred
and won't have to worry about them when i'm in school
i don't know why people are being so fucking ignorant
and just ridiculous
but i can't take it

i'm tired of not having anyone
and having to suppress all of my emotions
so that i can live a semi-calm (not fighting about every fucking little thing)life here

half of the time i don't even want to cry anymore
because it's just too much of an effort

i need something to happen in this life
but i don't even know what